God’s Marriage Stands

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Marriage

A call for traditonal Marriage

Earlier this month a member of the General Synod and CEO of a Christian lobbying group, called on the church to resist the State’s attempt to introduce same-sex marriage; challenging the Church of England to take a stand for traditional marriage.

God’s Word on Marriage

I want to remind us God’s Word is God’s Word and it does not change regardless of what men or State do. What is God’s view on marriage? Well Jesus said,

He who made them at the beginning “made them male and female,” and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.’ Matthew 19:4-6

Marriage is God’s Plan

Marriage between man and woman is part of God’s plan, it is an institution of divine origin. Marriage is primarily governed by God’s laws and as long as society’s laws are not in conflict with this, society can not be co-regulators of God’s institution of Marriage. All the legislating and man defining will not change God’s definition of marriage and His ultimate plan.

Man’s plan for Marriage

However what ever man puts his mind to he can do, therefore I predict that eventually society will have Marriage for all, but it will never take away from what God has put in place. His Word will stand long after you and I leave this Earth, and beyond.

Transracial care

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Transracial CareTransracial

For the last two months I have been training foster carers who are caring for children  of a different race to them.  An example would be a black child placed in a white family although it could be a white child placed in a black family.   The term used in my line of work is transracially placed; simply put this is a situation where there is a crossing of racial boundaries; where two or more races are involved in the family.

My starting point is that all children should be brought up in healthy functioning families that reflect them racially.  However the Uk State has made it clear that where a family can meet a child’s emotional and development, ethnic origin should not be a barrier.    This in my opinion shows a lack of insight by the government into the emotional development of children.  You can’t separate racial identity formation from the emotional development of a child, and from other aspects of their development for that matter. You only have to listen to the stories of children who have been brought up in transracial situations to know that things are not that simple.

Transracial Care

I understand that some children are born into transracial families; mixed race children, and where these families are healthy, these are the best families for these children.  I accept that we are going to have to place other children transracially, but I argue not without care and it being the only absolute option. It is easy for families to take a child in and happily expect the child just to fit in.   I ask families to think about how their family and social network reflects that child. Ie if they are caring for a black child. At a basic level do they have close, healthy, mutual relationships with black people?

racial and Cultural Attunement

Children develop their skills and capacity for expressing emotions by looking to the key adults in their lives for cues, models and affirmation for how to do this and as to whether they (the children) are getting it right. For instance the toddler falls and hurts himself and may cry only when the adult present indicates vocally or facially that the incident was painful and gives the toddler permission to cry. Another example is, child A hits his brother with a car, his brother cries and Child A looks at the adult present and laughs. Child A only gets the message, that his behaviour is unacceptable when he sees disapproval on the face of the adult.  This process  is referred to as attunement; the child is learning what is the standard for the feeling and expression of emotions as directed by the key adults in his life; when to cry, when not to, when to be happy, laugh etc.  Children also look for those cues, about how to feel, view and judge things pertaining to their race and culture.

Imagine living with a family that does not reflect you, a family that never acknowledges your black skin; its need for extra moisture, your need to hear it is beautiful even if it is different to your white friends.  A family that remains quiet when yet another news story reinforces a negative image of black person. A family who has failed to acknowledge your disappointment with your teacher for never picking you to answer a question she has asked in class when you eagerly put your hands up; discrimination. A family who asks you to ignore racist name calling. A family that only has friends that look like them but not you and so on.

However we must not assume that living in black families will automatically give black children a positive view of themselves.   This will depend on the behaviour of those adults.   For instance if the child never sees her mother caring lovingly for her (or the child’s) natural hair, and it is always tucked away under a weave; do not be surprised when the daughter decides early on that she wants a weave, or a son who makes his choice of partner, a women with the ‘desired object’ of his childhood; long sleek hair. The conversations black family members have about each other also shape black children sense of self. So if there is nothing good to say about the child’s father say very little. Men are to treat the child’s mother with respect and care.

For both the black and white family, caring for the black child means you have to have a healthy positive relationship with Blackness in order to pass this on to the child.   This relationship with blackness will vary for each family, but it is not something that can be ignored and then expect a child to develop healthily. People of different races need to work together to care for children, more so with those children living in families that are of a different race to them.  It is also important in this working together that the presumption is not made that the standard used to judge the care of the child is White, or for that matter Black.  There is a standard that transcends all races; that of Jesus Christ.

Christ is the Head

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http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/on-faith/embattled-megachurch-in-georgia-at-a-crossroads-after-its-pastor-eddie-long-steps-down/2011/12/05/gIQACQEdXO_story.html#weighIn

ChristChrist

Interesting that in this article (link above) there is no mention of the true Head of the Church, Jesus Christ.  If a Church is headed by Christ, the fall of a pastor is traumatic and damaging but Christ continues to build his Church and the gates of hell will not prevail.  His church will be built and not in vain.

Christ is the Head

I believe the Lord Jesus Christ is drawing our attention to his model of Church; a network of reasonably sized organic groups of people who worship Him, and hold each other accountable.  The church is Us in Christ. Mega churches are crumbling, in my opinion because those who lead in these endeavours are using man’s methods; managing, motivating people.  God is not asking His people to manage each other. We take too much upon ourselves and usurp the authority of Christ. Man needs to get out of the way or God will expose them and the consequences is that they will be moved out of the way. God asks us to direct people to Christ, through sowing His Word, and being vessels of His Love. He will then do the watering and transformation of His people.

Christ Leads

God’s work can not be dominated or overshadowed by any man or woman, as charismatic and talented as they may be.  We saw this with Saul. (1 Sam. 10:)  Man will always look for another man to lead him.  We need to grow up and let Christ do the leading.

Brother Long needs to step away from the pulpit (did Christ ever use a pulpit?) permanently, let Christ Head this church, work on restoring his relationship with God, then his family, then his brothers and sisters in Christ.   We have to take our eyes off man’s way of ‘playing’ church and allow God to build his Church. We sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that because a church has a large congregation some how we are getting it right; valuing quantity over quality. Church is not suppose to be corporate organisations. The church is One Holy Spirit Filled dynamic entity headed by Christ.

Let God be God. He says my sheep know my voice. Are we listening and know when He is talking?

Self esteem

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Self esteem

Have you had days when you feel like the universe, and other days when you just don’t think you feature at all? Days when you know you are happy with you, and days when you are happy to spend the rest of your life under the duvet? Well this is about your self-esteem; the judgement you have about yourself.

Your self esteem   Self esteem

Self esteem is strongly linked to identity formation, but deserves some air play in its own right as we spend so much time talking about it. Why is it important? It is important because the judgement we have about ourselves will ultimately impact on how we tackle our world and relationships. As personal as it may seem our judgement about ourselves are heavily influenced by others and other external factors; including environment, music, clothes, school, work, faith and the list goes on.

The development of your self esteem starts from your first encounter with another, usually a parent (usually the mother) after birth. From this time onward you are receiving messages about how valuable (or not you are ).

Self esteem stealers include

Disrespect, rejection, neglect, unfair –discrimination, being put down, criticism, humiliation, labeling, abuse, shaming, comparing and the list goes on.

Self-esteem builders include

Love, care, respect, inclusion, trust, healthy attention, approval, acceptance, a sense of belonging, recreation, play, laughter, encouragement and again the list goes on.

Poverty

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Poverty is not new to the UK, however until recently the UK’s position was not to incorporate the principles of the UN Convention on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights into UK law. As a result the population’s social attitude to those experiencing poverty was contemptuous and therefore undermined support for these families.Poverty

There are those families who have antennas that veer towards poverty regardless of their income. However there are those who are genuinely struggling because they don’t have enough or the means to get enough.

The Child Poverty Act 2010

In 1999 the Labour government announced a commitment to eradicate child poverty by 2020 however I don’t think we are on the way to this being the case. In autumn 2008 Prime Minster Gordon Brown announced the move to introduce Child Poverty legislation, and two years later the Child Poverty Act was passed 26 March 2010.

The Child Poverty Act is a United Kingdom’s  piece of legislation which requires England, Scotland and Northern Ireland to put in place strategies that describe the activities to be undertaken to tackle child poverty. The Welsh Assembly has already introduced similar requirements so are exempt from parts of this Act.

The introduction of this Act is a step in the right direction, and ensures that the State will have to give this issue airtime, but it presents no guarantees to eradicating child poverty. If I were being cynical, I could argue that this Act was passed with the support of both the Liberal Democrats and the Conservatives to push Labour out; who were the Government who had initially promised to eradicate poverty but there was not sign of this happening.

Risk factors to Poverty

We are currently going through immense cutbacks. How will this situation affect families already in tenuous situations? I refer to those familes;

  • where there are no adults working;
  • from disadvantaged groups (ethnic minorities or disabilities);
  • that are large ;
  • with young parents ;
  • in socially rented accommodation;
  • with high mortgagee repayments;
  • with parents who have low educational attainment; or
  • families with no savings or assets

Poverty is here for the long haul. Our question should be how do we help those prepared to learn how to rise above this tide.

Relationships

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Connected relationships

As human beings what we need is to connect to other human beings; relationships.  The ideal is to have healthy mutually giving, supportive connections. The need to connect to another is so great that we are prepared to tolerate abusive connections, than have no connections at all.  Healthy connections help us to develop emotionally, cognitively and physically. How do we learn about healthy relationships?  We learn by experiencing them first hand and observing other healthy relationships; bare in mind we learn about abusive relationships in the same manner.

The baby learns how to connect to others thorough how her parents connects with her; bonding.  If they consistently, appropriately and warmly respond to her needs; hunger, physical discomfort, loneliness, boredom, inquisitiveness. It gives her the message that her needs are valid and others in this case adults can be trusted. She also starts getting the message that she is suppose to be treated with care, and this is how she is suppose to behave towards others.

 What does it mean to be healthily connected?Relationships

We connect healthily when we are able trust each other but trust should only be given if earned; it is earned through how the other treats you, and visa versa.

Our ability to appropriately depend on others is partly borne out of good healthy parenting.  There are times however when this quality to relate to others is hindered, this could be in childhood, as parents have not proved themselves to be trustworthy, or through other relationships the person may form in her life, ether as a child, adolescent or adult.  Some of the elements that hinder healthy relationships are poor parenting, a poor sense of self, abuse of any kind, racism, etc.

To be healthily connected is to be in healthy relationships. Where the communication is warm and supportive. Healthy relationships are where each person is present (at some point), aware of the other person, their moods, general well being, is able to see things from the other’s perspective and respond appropriately.

Think of some of the connections you have:

  • At home,
  • With family,
  •  At work,
  • At school/college/university, and
  • At church, etc.

Would you say you have healthy connections?  If not why not?

There is another piece to this jigsaw, and the most important part, in order to truly care for another, we need to be cared for; humans are limited and will ultimately let you down, we resolve this by forgiving. However depending on the degree and damage of the offence it may cost the relationship. Connecting to God through Jesus Christ provides the best model for building healthy relationships.

Jesus tells us, ”I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

Comments welcome.

Raising men

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Boys to menMen

During a training session, I suggested to a group of women that they needed the help of good, safe men to raise boys (and girls for the matter). To my surprise they appeared offended, and begun to discuss how they were raising their boys. At the end of the conversation I shared my observation that they had shared with me their raising of sons, but I was still left with the question of who was raising the men in their sons?

Sources of role models for boys and men

It is important that women do not feel beaten up for having to sometimes raise their boys on their own, but know that without good men in their boys lives, their boys may turn to distorted sources for who they are suppose to be, it may be MTV, music, TV,  gangs or even their mothers. We will all be able to glean from other sources for helping us with who we ought to be, but drawing from a similar finish model makes more sense.  We owe it to our boys to ensure that they are provided with every opportunity; models  for who or how they are to be. The same point I put to white mothers of mixed race girls; you are raising black women so will need to draw from black women when raising your daughter. Please don’t accept that we just evolve as humans.  We are more intelligent than that and look to others for what we should be. Comments welcomed.

The Father’s Image

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FatherLike the Father

Recently I sat and observed my friend and his twelve month old daughter play.  He smiled incessantly, as she entertained herself, and us with her new found skills.. She beamed at holding a piece of cake, tottering supported across the floor and rearranging coasters.

I drew his attention to the cheesy smile that had invaded his face and would not leave, as he watched his daughter.  My neighbour was present, she explained he was he happy because she is so much like him.

The Heavenly Father

At that point I was reminded of our Heavenly Father. He has made us in His image (Genesis 1;27); he wants to see Himself in us. That will cause him much more delight, than what I saw in my friend that day.

Simple Definition of Culture

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CultureCulture:

The way we do things here.

This definition I find helpful to explain the living nature of culture. When the we in the definition changes, culture changes. For instance I behave and think differently with my work colleagues, than how I would behave and think with my personal friends. The same is true of the here in the definition. When the here changes, culture changes.  For example I dress differently for the office, to  when I am out on days shopping.

Culture has a purpose

Culture has the purpose of distinguishing groups; the ‘in’ group and the ‘out’ group. Culture holds people together as they share in the collective values and ideals of the group.

Identity

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IdentityA part of Identity

Blackness, is a relative term used to encompasses those elements that make up the state of being black.  I suspect we would struggle to find two people who agree on what Blackness means; the reason being, Blackness is constantly shifting. The term tends to be defined by the black majority (or the most powerful black group) of what ever situation you are in. For instance a black boy who lives in South London, who prefers Indie music and not Hip Hop will be questioned by many of his his peers.   The black woman whose partner is white, will be the object of inquiry by many of her black female peers; not to forget the possessive scorn of many black men. To choose baked beans on toast over Ackee and salt fish for breakfast, could be seen as one being on the slippery slope of food drudgery. However although defined by the black group, it is important to note that whoever the black group is,  will determine the degree to which society has influenced that group. They are still the gatekeepers of how their identity is shaped.

Identity defined

There is a general assumption that when we talk about identity, we all know what the other is talking about. Here is a simple definition to help with dialogue; identity is your Reception and Acceptation (or Rejection) of others Perception of you.

Others through various means send you messages about how valuable (or not) you are. This may come first through the care you have received as a baby or a small child from parents or carers.  As you get older these messages come from further a field; relatives, history narratives, television, music, school and our community.     If in your early childhood the parenting you received was good, you learn you are valuable and therefore less likely to accept other messages that suggest you are not of value; in a better position to refute those messages.  Identification happens once you have accepted those messages; you own them and they become part of your make up, and you start behaving accordingly. For instance, the child who is told he can move mountains mostly like will!

Without getting too complicated your identity formation is a two way relationship; your behaviour is partly (other parts are based on biological make up like Downs syndrome) based on what others communicate to you about you, and informs your personal appraisal of how valuable you are; your self esteem.

It is important that you find a consistent, steadfast source of messages to build your identity on. As there are times when you will mess up, and people’s views of you will not be great. Therefore it is important  to have a source of messages that sees your value and potentioal as your identity plays a major role in sustaining you mentally and emotionally.  It also has a major role to play in the quality of the relationships you will have.

For those of us who have a faith in Christ.  We learn that, it is important to know what our Heavenly father says about us. This centres us; to counter those negative messages that may come through the care we have received or from other relationships.  It could be very easy for me to go and hide under a rock when I mess up. It might be me but there are those who just seem to be waiting for others to mess up, and seem to relish in letting everyone know.  I am grateful that I can draw from God who tells me who I am and provides a standard (His Word) for my behaviour; even when I fall short, that standard remains the same, it is not relative, it is absolute so there is less room for confusion.

My Heavenly father says,

I am God’s child,  1 Peter 1:23,

I am God’s Workmanship,  Ephesians2:10; and

I am more than a conquer,  Romans8:37,  and  much more.  It’s great to know Who and Whose you are!