Darling,

I am sorry for hitting you again. Look what you made me do. You know I love you but my mother did warn you I like things done a certain way (a mother’s warning to stay clear of her no good son).

As the man of the house I expect you to ensure that things are kept in order.  You and the children don’t seem to understand that I need respect, and treat me like a visitor in my own home (he usually comes home only for a bath and to change his clothes, then leaves again).

I am sure the baby don’t like me and constantly cries when I am around (she is scared of him); you have spoilt her. When she is older I will explain that you and I fight (there is no fight she shields herself from his blows) because you can’t seem to do as you are told and treat me like a little boy. You always have the baby  in your hand and seem to care more about her than me (He is jealous of mother/child relationship and undermines mother’s care of the children). You need to step up to the plate as a mother, and start looking after yourself; you are looking a little old.  We use to share everything but now you are so secretive (she has to hide the housekeeping or he will spend it on cannabis  and alcohol).

I don’t understand why you are so difficult, your friends, family and I get on all right. As a matter of fact they like me and they see how good I treat you and the children. (He is charming to all outside of  the home; even the children seem to enjoy their father’s company when they are out together).  Except Sandra who is clearly jealous of us. I’m sure she fancies me (Sandra a family friend, an assertive discerning women is weary of him) you would do better without her.

I am looking for job but this situation is stressing me out; I can’t focus (he has never held a job for more than a month). Once I get my head straight (he needs to put down the cannabis and alcohol), I’ll start looking.

I know we can make it, just try a little harder.

I love you!

This is a letter from a  perpetrator of domestic violence to his partner,  attempting to make things right, but his Self-Centredness, Manipulativeness and Jealousies are getting in the way.

He needs help you can’t change him. Don’t  allow him to kill you trying.

The Home office define Domestic Violence (DV) as;

 ‘Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality.

This includes issues of concern to black and minority ethnic (BME) communities such as so called ‘honour’ based violence, female genital mutilation (FGM) and forced marriage, and is clear that victims are not confined to one gender or ethnic group

• 2 women in the UK are murdered every week at the hands of their partner
•  For women aged between 19 and 44, domestic violence is the leading cause of death, that is greater than cancer, war and motor vehicle accidents.
• It is estimated that 1 in 4 women in the UK experience DV during their lifetime
• Women are at greatest risk of being killed at the point of separation. 76% of DV homicide occurs after separation

 Source: Home Office

 24-hour National Domestic Violence

Freephone Helpline

0808 2000 247

Useful resource: The Batterer as Parent (2002) by Lundy Bancroft & Jay Silverman.

What are some of the key values that we live by, and where did these values come from? Probably a difficult question, but I suspect that the responses we give to this question today will be much more complex than we would have given fifty years ago. I am not intending to answer this question but would like to share a thought about the sources of the values we hold.

Values are our Ideals

Values are ideals and lasting beliefs that guide the actions and behaviour of a group of people or a culture. Therefore it is important that we ensure that we and our children are acquiring those values that will serve them well through life.

Sources of Values

I suspect life today has become a much more complex affair, as is the sources of the values we hold. We acquire our values from three main sources;

1. Revelation from who or whatever god we serve. Buddhists for example are taught that craving is a fire which burns in all beings and every activity is motivated by desire. Others may disagree, as sometimes we are directed to do things we may never do under our own volition.

2. Reasoning is an activity of establishing and verifying facts and information in order to make sense of our world. An example is the child who asks. ‘Why am I not allowed to wear my favourite pyjamas to school?’ The parent explains to the child, why it is not a good idea to wear her pyjamas to school. The child eventually accepts the argument, if the argument put forward by the parent is convincing.

3. Relativism is where all truth, views, opinion are seen as equal and valid, depending on the people and situation. An example would be the child who dismisses their father’s argument for not wearing pyjamas to school, putting forward their argument. ‘Well everyone in my school does it, it looks cool, so I’m doing it!’

As we can see none of these sources are fool proof as culture, tradition and character will always affect the inferences we draw from the information we are presented with. However a good rule of measure, but not always the most expedient is,  ‘Time will tell.’ Based on the values we hold and the decisions we make, what is the overall outcome? Is the child who insisted on wearing their pyjamas to school now able to accept that you can’t turn up for an interview in your pyjamas? Do they accept that ‘being cool, and everyone is doing it’ is no longer the yardstick they need to use to make life decisions? We need to draw on absolute truths; truths that have proved the test of time, and are still valid, effective and true in all situations and with all people. Truth that will anchor us in life and society. Peter Kreeft the Philosopher once wrote, “People who abandon moral absolutes will inevitably be ruled by a police state. We will choose, either conscience or cops!”

I suggest we are now there. We need truth that transcends, time, culture, character, family, personality, popularity or our cravings.

Last Saturday at my local supermarket, I could not help but note the limited amount of Afri-Caribbean staff on duty. Where I live there is a diverse population, with a large Afri-Caribbean population. Therefore as a customer, I and others like me expect this to be reflected in where we spend our money. Is this just my imagination or do staffing figures bare out my concern?

My husband, and I left our local store wondering why we were so badly reflected in the store’s staffing despite much of the customers being of Afri-Caribbean ethnicity. We need to not only be in warehouses but serving at the tills, counters, shop floor etc. It is important that a community see themselves reflected in the services that serves them, or they are likely to assume the service is only serving themselves. Please respond. This is really important to us.

Regards Vivienne Williams

Email sent to local supermarket, names removed.

A call for traditonal Marriage

Earlier this month a member of the General Synod and CEO of a Christian lobbying group, called on the church to resist the State’s attempt to introduce same-sex marriage; challenging the Church of England to take a stand for traditional marriage.

God’s Word on Marriage

I want to remind us God’s Word is God’s Word and it does not change regardless of what men or State do. What is God’s view on marriage? Well Jesus said,

He who made them at the beginning “made them male and female,” and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.’ Matthew 19:4-6

Marriage is God’s Plan

Marriage between man and woman is part of God’s plan, it is an institution of divine origin. Marriage is primarily governed by God’s laws and as long as society’s laws are in conflict with this, society can not be co-regulators of God’s institution of Marriage. All the legislating and man defining will not change God’s definition of marriage and His ultimate plan.

Man’s plan for Marriage

However what ever man puts his mind to he can do, therefore I predict that eventually society will have a type of union/marriage for all, but it will never take away from what God has put in place. His Word will stand long after you and I leave this Earth, and beyond.

For the last two months I have been training foster carers who are caring for children  of a different race to them.  An example would be a black child placed in a white family although it could be a white child placed in a black family.   The term used in my line of work is transracially placed; simply put this is a situation where there is a crossing of racial boundaries; where two or more races are involved in the family.

My starting point is that all children should be brought up in healthy functioning families that reflect them racially.  However the Uk State has made it clear that where a family can meet a child’s emotional and development, ethnic origin should not be a barrier.    This in my opinion shows a lack of insight by the government into the emotional development of children.  You can’t separate racial identity formation from the emotional development of a child, and from other aspects of their development for that matter. You only have to listen to the stories of children who have been brought up in transracial situations to know that things are not that simple.

Transracial Care

I understand that some children are born into transracial families; mixed race children, and where these families are healthy, these are the best families for these children.  I accept that we are going to have to place other children transracially, but I argue not without care and it being the only absolute option. It is easy for families to take a child in and happily expect the child just to fit in.   I ask families to think about how their family and social network reflects that child. Ie if they are caring for a black child, at a basic level do they have close, healthy, mutual relationships with black people?

racial and Cultural Attunement

Children develop their skills and capacity for expressing emotions by looking to the key adults in their lives for cues, models and affirmation for how to do this and as to whether they (the children) are getting it right. For instance the toddler falls and hurts himself and may cry only when the adult present indicates vocally or facially that the incident was painful and gives the toddler permission to cry. Another example is, child A hits his brother with a car, his brother cries and Child A looks at the adult present and laughs. Child A only gets the message, that his behaviour is unacceptable when he sees disapproval on the face of the adult.  This process  is referred to as attunement; the child is learning what is the standard for the feeling and expression of emotions as directed by the key adults in his life; when to cry, when not to, when to be happy, laugh etc.  Children also look for those cues, about how to feel, view and judge things pertaining to their race and culture.

Imagine living with a family that does not reflect you, a family that never acknowledges your black skin; its need for extra moisture, your need to hear it is beautiful even if it is different to your white family and friends.  A family that remains quiet when yet another news story reinforces a negative image of black person. A family who has failed to acknowledge your disappointment with your teacher for never picking you to answer a question she has asked in class when you eagerly put your hands up; discrimination. A family who asks you to ignore racist name calling. A family that only has friends that look like them but not you and so on.

However we must not assume that living in black families will automatically give black children a positive view of themselves.   This will depend on the behaviour of those adults.   For instance if the child never sees her mother caring lovingly for her (or the child’s) natural hair, and it is always tucked away under a weave; do not be surprised when the daughter decides early on that she wants a weave, or a son who makes his choice of partner, a women with the ‘desired object’ of his childhood; long sleek hair. The conversations black family members have about each other also shape black children sense of self. So if there is nothing good to say about the child’s father say very little. Men are to treat the child’s mother with respect and care.

For both the black and white family, caring for the black child means you have to have a healthy positive relationship with Blackness in order to pass this on to the child.   This relationship with blackness will vary for each family, but it is not something that can be ignored and then expect a child to develop healthily. People of different races need to work together to care for children, more so with those children living in families that are of a different race to them.  It is also important in this working together that the presumption is not made that the standard used to judge the care of the child is White, or for that matter Black.  There is a standard that transcends all races; that of Jesus Christ.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/on-faith/embattled-megachurch-in-georgia-at-a-crossroads-after-its-pastor-eddie-long-steps-down/2011/12/05/gIQACQEdXO_story.html#weighIn

Christ

Interesting that in this article (link above) there is no mention of the true Head of the Church, Jesus Christ.  If a Church is headed by Christ, the fall of a pastor is traumatic and damaging but Christ continues to build his Church and the gates of hell will not prevail.  His church will be built and not in vain.

Christ is the Head

I believe the Lord Jesus Christ is drawing our attention to his model of Church; a network of reasonably sized organic groups of people who worship Him, and hold each other accountable.  The church is Us in Christ. Mega churches are crumbling, in my opinion because those who lead in these endeavours are using man’s methods; managing, motivating people.  God is not asking His people to manage each other. We take too much upon ourselves and usurp the authority of Christ. Man needs to get out of the way or God will expose them and the consequences is that they will be moved out of the way. God asks us to direct people to Christ, through sowing His Word, and being vessels of His Love. He will then do the watering and transformation of His people.

Christ Leads

God’s work can not be dominated or overshadowed by any man or woman, as charismatic and talented as they may be.  We saw this with Saul. (1 Sam. 10:)  Man will always look for another man to lead him.  We need to grow up and let Christ do the leading.

Brother Long needs to step away from the pulpit (did Christ ever use a pulpit?) permanently, let Christ Head this church, work on restoring his relationship with God, then his family, then his brothers and sisters in Christ.   We have to take our eyes off man’s way of ‘playing’ church and allow God to build his Church. We sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that because a church has a large congregation some how we are getting it right; valuing quantity over quality. Church is not suppose to be corporate organisations. The church is One Holy Spirit Filled dynamic entity headed by Christ.

Let God be God. He says my sheep know my voice. Are we listening and know when He is talking?

Have you had days when you feel like the universe, and other days when you just don’t think you feature at all? Days when you know you are happy with you, and days when you are happy to spend the rest of your life under the duvet? Well this is about your self-esteem; the judgement you have about yourself.

Your self esteem   

Self esteem is strongly linked to identity formation, but deserves some air play in its own right as we spend so much time talking about it. Why is it important? It is important because the judgement we have about ourselves will ultimately impact on how we tackle our world and relationships. As personal as it may seem our judgement about ourselves are heavily influenced by others and other external factors; including environment, music, clothes, school, work, faith and the list goes on.

The development of your self esteem starts from your first encounter with another, usually a parent (usually the mother) after birth. From this time onward you are receiving messages about how valuable (or not you are ).

Self esteem stealers include

Disrespect, rejection, neglect, unfair –discrimination, being put down, criticism, humiliation, labeling, abuse, shaming, comparing and the list goes on.

Self-esteem builders include

Love, care, respect, inclusion, trust, healthy attention, approval, acceptance, a sense of belonging, recreation, play, laughter, encouragement and again the list goes on.

There are those families who have antennas that veer towards poverty regardless of their income. However there are those who are genuinely struggling because they don’t have enough or the means to get enough.

The Child Poverty Act 2010

In 1999 the Labour government announced a commitment to eradicate child poverty by 2020 however I don’t think we are on the way to this being the case. In autumn 2008 Prime Minster Gordon Brown announced the move to introduce Child Poverty legislation, and two years later the Child Poverty Act was passed 26 March 2010.

The Child Poverty Act is a United Kingdom’s  piece of legislation which requires England, Scotland and Northern Ireland to put in place strategies that describe the activities to be undertaken to tackle child poverty. The Welsh Assembly has already introduced similar requirements so are exempt from parts of this Act.

The introduction of this Act is a step in the right direction, and ensures that the State will have to give this issue airtime, but it presents no guarantees to eradicating child poverty. If I were being cynical, I could argue that this Act was passed with the support of both the Liberal Democrats and the Conservatives to push Labour out; who were the Government who had initially promised to eradicate poverty but there was not sign of this happening.

Risk factors to Poverty

We are currently going through immense cutbacks. How will this situation affect families already in tenuous situations? I refer to those familes;

• where there are no adults working;
• from disadvantaged groups (ethnic minorities or disabilities);
• that are large ;
• with young parents ;
• in socially rented accommodation;
• with high mortgagee repayments;
• with parents who have low educational attainment; or
• families with no savings or assets

Poverty is here for the long haul. Our question should be how do we help those prepared to learn how to rise above this tide.

As human beings what we need is to connect to other human beings; relationships.  The ideal is to have healthy mutually giving, supportive connections. The need to connect to another is so great that we are prepared to tolerate abusive connections, than have no connections at all.  Healthy connections help us to develop emotionally, cognitively and physically. How do we learn about healthy relationships?  We learn by experiencing them first hand and observing other healthy relationships; bare in mind we learn about abusive relationships in the same manner.

The baby learns how to connect to others thorough how her parents connects with her; bonding.  If they consistently, appropriately and warmly respond to her needs; hunger, physical discomfort, loneliness, boredom, inquisitiveness. It gives her the message that her needs are valid and others in this case adults can be trusted. She also starts getting the message that she is suppose to be treated with care, and this is how she is suppose to behave towards others.

 What does it mean to be healthily connected?

We connect healthily when we are able trust each other but trust should only be given if earned; it is earned through how the other treats you, and visa versa.

Our ability to appropriately depend on others is partly borne out of good healthy parenting.  There are times however when this quality to relate to others is hindered, this could be in childhood, as parents have not proved themselves to be trustworthy, or through other relationships the person may form in her life, ether as a child, adolescent or adult.  Some of the elements that hinder healthy relationships are poor parenting, a poor sense of self, abuse of any kind, racism, etc.

To be healthily connected is to be in healthy relationships. Where the communication is warm and supportive. Healthy relationships are where each person is present (at some point), aware of the other person, their moods, general well being, is able to see things from the other’s perspective and respond appropriately.

Think of some of the connections you have:

• At home,
• With family,
•  At work,
• At school/college/university, and
• At church, etc.

Would you say you have healthy connections?  If not why not?

There is another piece to this jigsaw, and the most important part, in order to truly care for another, we need to be cared for; humans are limited and will ultimately let you down, we resolve this by forgiving. However depending on the degree and damage of the offence it may cost the relationship. Connecting to God through Jesus Christ provides the best model for building healthy relationships.

Jesus tells us, ”I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

Comments welcome.

During a training session, I suggested to a group of women that they needed the help of good, safe men to raise boys (and girls for the matter). To my surprise they appeared offended, and begun to discuss how they were raising their boys. At the end of the conversation I shared my observation that they had shared with me their raising of sons, but I was still left with the question of who was raising the men in their sons?

Sources of role models for boys and men

It is important that women do not feel beaten up for having to sometimes raise their boys on their own, but know that without good men in their boys lives, their boys may turn to distorted sources for who they are suppose to be, it may be MTV, music, TV,  gangs or even their mothers. We will all be able to glean from other sources for helping us with who we ought to be, but drawing from a similar finish model makes more sense.  We owe it to our boys to ensure that they are provided with every opportunity; models  for who or how they are to be. The same point I put to white mothers of mixed race girls; you are raising black women so will need to draw from black women when raising your daughter. Please don’t accept that we just evolve as humans.  We are more intelligent than that and look to others for what we should be. Comments welcomed.