The Father’s Image

Posted on by
Reply

FatherLike the Father

Recently I sat and observed my friend and his twelve month old daughter play.  He smiled incessantly, as she entertained herself, and us with her new found skills.. She beamed at holding a piece of cake, tottering supported across the floor and rearranging coasters.

I drew his attention to the cheesy smile that had invaded his face and would not leave, as he watched his daughter.  My neighbour was present, she explained he was he happy because she is so much like him.

The Heavenly Father

At that point I was reminded of our Heavenly Father. He has made us in His image (Genesis 1;27); he wants to see Himself in us. That will cause him much more delight, than what I saw in my friend that day.

Simple Definition of Culture

Posted on by
2

CultureCulture:

The way we do things here.

This definition I find helpful to explain the living nature of culture. When the we in the definition changes, culture changes. For instance I behave and think differently with my work colleagues, than how I would behave and think with my personal friends. The same is true of the here in the definition. When the here changes, culture changes.  For example I dress differently for the office, to  when I am out on days shopping.

Culture has a purpose

Culture has the purpose of distinguishing groups; the ‘in’ group and the ‘out’ group. Culture holds people together as they share in the collective values and ideals of the group.

Identity

Posted on by
25

IdentityA part of Identity

Blackness, is a relative term used to encompasses those elements that make up the state of being black.  I suspect we would struggle to find two people who agree on what Blackness means; the reason being, Blackness is constantly shifting. The term tends to be defined by the black majority (or the most powerful black group) of what ever situation you are in. For instance a black boy who lives in South London, who prefers Indie music and not Hip Hop will be questioned by many of his his peers.   The black woman whose partner is white, will be the object of inquiry by many of her black female peers; not to forget the possessive scorn of many black men. To choose baked beans on toast over Ackee and salt fish for breakfast, could be seen as one being on the slippery slope of food drudgery. However although defined by the black group, it is important to note that whoever the black group is,  will determine the degree to which society has influenced that group. They are still the gatekeepers of how their identity is shaped.

Identity defined

There is a general assumption that when we talk about identity, we all know what the other is talking about. Here is a simple definition to help with dialogue; identity is your Reception and Acceptation (or Rejection) of others Perception of you.

Others through various means send you messages about how valuable (or not) you are. This may come first through the care you have received as a baby or a small child from parents or carers.  As you get older these messages come from further a field; relatives, history narratives, television, music, school and our community.     If in your early childhood the parenting you received was good, you learn you are valuable and therefore less likely to accept other messages that suggest you are not of value; in a better position to refute those messages.  Identification happens once you have accepted those messages; you own them and they become part of your make up, and you start behaving accordingly. For instance, the child who is told he can move mountains mostly like will!

Without getting too complicated your identity formation is a two way relationship; your behaviour is partly (other parts are based on biological make up like Downs syndrome) based on what others communicate to you about you, and informs your personal appraisal of how valuable you are; your self esteem.

It is important that you find a consistent, steadfast source of messages to build your identity on. As there are times when you will mess up, and people’s views of you will not be great. Therefore it is important  to have a source of messages that sees your value and potentioal as your identity plays a major role in sustaining you mentally and emotionally.  It also has a major role to play in the quality of the relationships you will have.

For those of us who have a faith in Christ.  We learn that, it is important to know what our Heavenly father says about us. This centres us; to counter those negative messages that may come through the care we have received or from other relationships.  It could be very easy for me to go and hide under a rock when I mess up. It might be me but there are those who just seem to be waiting for others to mess up, and seem to relish in letting everyone know.  I am grateful that I can draw from God who tells me who I am and provides a standard (His Word) for my behaviour; even when I fall short, that standard remains the same, it is not relative, it is absolute so there is less room for confusion.

My Heavenly father says,

I am God’s child,  1 Peter 1:23,

I am God’s Workmanship,  Ephesians2:10; and

I am more than a conquer,  Romans8:37,  and  much more.  It’s great to know Who and Whose you are!

What is Parenting?

Posted on by
4

ParentingPursuing Success in Parenting

Parenting is interesting. I love watching parents parent, particularly those who tend to look like they have a handle on what needs to be done.  A friend of mine and her husband seem great at it. They are particularly good at supporting their children to navigate the hostile, competitive education system and do well in it.  But I am usually skeptical at just looking at one aspect of parenting and look for other signs that things are not bad. Her children are also polite, warm and engaging. They seem interested in the middle age women standing in front of them. They smile, share experiences, listen (including patiently, while their mother and I put the world to rights), give feedback and ask me questions.

This may sound like a strange observation, but increasingly I have been meeting children who are just damn right rude. They don’t greet (even when I initiate), or at social events so many spend their time on their smart phones or computer games; no engagement! I wonder what is going on in their families. I have also been grimacing a lot at these events, as children barge pass and not say excuse me. One young woman thought it was okay to pick up my phone, from my dinning table and start fiddling with it without asking; there seems to be a dwindling respect for  other’s personal space.

Parenting Defined

Parenting is made up of all that adults do to further children’s overall development and general well-being, into adolescence and sometimes way into adulthood.  The question that arises is what specifically should parents be doing? Back to my friend she and her husband are doing something right. I will be interviewing her in the future and will be posting that interview.  However for now here is an outline of what parenting should include.

‘Good enough’ parenting – a term Winnicott  (1965) used to indicate that the perfect parent does not exist.

‘Good enough’ parents meet the following needs;

Basic Physical care – provide warmth, nutritious food, rest, home, hygiene, and safety;

Affection - includes holding, cuddling, comforting, admiration, patience, time (space),  tenderness, tolerance, approval, and companionship;

Security – provides a continuity of care, predictability of environment, routine, consistent appropriate rules and control; and a harmonious functioning family;

Stimulation of innate potential – gives regular praising, encourages curiosity, promotes talents, encourages play and promotes educational opportunities;

Guidance and control – teaches adequate and appropriate social behaviour which includes providing behaviour the child can model themselves on;

Responsibility – promotes self care, tidying toys, having chores in the home, encourages decision-making, and encourages ambition; and

Independence to make their own decisions (within the confines of the family and society’s code) – first about small things then graduates according to age and child.

Reference

Winnicott, D.W. (1965), The theory of Parent-Infant Relationship in the Maturation Processes and the Facilitative Environment, London

 

Understanding Families

Posted on by
Reply

Families are living systems

What has helped me to understand families and how they operate has been to look at the family as a system. I borrowed this thinking from a family therapist called Salvador Munuchin.

A system is a whole made of components (sub systems) that are organised and connected in someway.  The family as a system, is a made up of a network of people (sub-systems) all linked by relationships and communication. A good example of this is the human body; made up of organs, tissue, bones, blood etc.; the brain has to talk to the heart, or the blood stops flowing and the heart stops.

Like the body the family is dynamic, alive, always moving; there is constant change which is the family’s reaction to external systems and the sub-systems within. The family is constantly readjusting itself to deal with external pressures, could be work related, education, politics and also the internal pressures, argument between family members, a partner leaving or a child dying.

Salvador Munuchin asserts that there are three sub- systems that make up a family. He called these sub-systems;

Family image

  1. Spouse/Marital sub-system (adults);
  2. Sibling sub-system  (children); and
  3. Parenting sub-system.

I have applied this model to the families I have worked with to help in understanding. There could be one or more adults in the home, of any race, sex, age etc; one or more children. The point is that who ever is involved they will either be an adult or child in the family which makes it easier to work out roles and behaviour expectations.

Simply there are three sub-systems in operation:

  1. Adults;
  2. Child/ren;
  3.  and Parenting.

Where there are healthy relationships the adult sub-system can operate independently of the child sub-system.  The adults care for each other, support each other; including adult affection,  where there is a single adult they will need to get this help and support from family and friends.  The children offer similar things to each other, they support each other and offer  companionship; where there is an only child the child will need to draw on friends and cousins.  However the child/rens existence is dependent on the adults parenting them.

The parents and children interact via parenting. Interaction/relating  between the adults and the children should only occur through healthy parenting.  When the three sub-systems (Adult, Parenting ad Child) are functioning and relating to each other healthily; you have healthy families with healthy members.

I see red  flags when, for example a couple is involved in domestic violence, as this then has a negative  impact on the quality of parenting the children receive, or if the mother invites a new partner to live with the family, and she has not agreed with the partner that he will help her with positive parenting, or accurately ascertained that the partner is safe and equipped to help her with parenting.

Healthy Families Provide Healthy ParentingFamilies

Based on this model, adults in families should contribute positively to parenting, or their roles in families will be questioned. If they live in the home and are not contributing to a key function of family life; parenting, they are merely lodgers; start taking rent and keep them outside your family. They take away from the purpose of  the family.  Vulnerable family members who may appear to add very little value to  a family, may be adding value. Think of the frail grandmother, who is able to recount the history of the family and name family members five generations ago, or who ensures that her eldest grandson who is now eighteen years old, still gets £1.00 pocket money from her every week, or the older child who is expected to help with feeding and clearing up after the dog. These rituals may appear small but they have immense value.

I understand that families are more complex and today we need frameworks that understand more complex, dynamic systems. However before we get to understand complex, we need to know what should be in place.

Simple;  Adults Parent Children.That is the order, or things get messy.

This will become clearer when I post an outline of what parenting entails.

I will also make available an animated version of this model with me explaining this again shortly.

Reference

Minuchin, S and Fishman, H, (1981), Family Therapy Techniques, Harvard University Press, Massachusetts, USA

The Purpose of Family

Posted on by
Reply

Purpose

Have you ever wondered what the purpose of family is? It is a question we need to ask ourselves and make it our business to get the right answers. By having the right answers we can then understand why the world and its army wants to get into your family; whether  through education, the media, advertising, health and the list goes on.  I am not suggesting that the family does not need to interact, draw support, and learn from our environment, but  the family and the gatekeepers of those families need to be a little more discerning about what it lets in and the messages it takes from its environment.  I am continually shocked by the television programmes children are allowed to watch, and the inappropriate clothing parents have been coerced to buy for their children, either by skilled advertising, or a persistent whining child.

Purpose and Function

Knowing and asserting the purpose of the family is important for growing healthy people. The family has several functions these are:

  1. To support the healthy emotional, intellectual, social, spiritual and physical development of all its members;
  2. To promote the needs for all members, with the vulnerable members taking some precedence;
  3. To reproduce;
  4. To teach and sustain the function of parenting; and
  5. To generally teach socially acceptable behaviour.

As we familiarise ourselves with these functions we also begin to understand how external agencies, systems engage with our families and either add or take value from your family.   I hope that part of this blog with be for us to explore these functions, and add to them if deemed necessary.

Please let me know what you think.

What is Family?

Posted on by
15

Family Defined

There are topics we talk about on a daily basis, like family,  and assume that all involved in that conversation agree with our definition of what is being discussed. It is only when blocks, schisms start to appear in the conversation that we stop and start to clarify definitions. Topics like love, success, good parenting, and family fall into this category.

Biblically the family is a key building block used by God to build society.  His family consisted of one man, one women and children. Arguably the nuclear family is still seen as the standard with extended family holding varying significance as determined by culture.

Family Type Family

Extended families are an extension of the nuclear family. They are vertical or horizontal; vertical where children, parents, and grand parents live together, or horizontal where family members of the same generation as the parents live together; brothers, sisters and cousins. Over time families have taken on other forms. We have the following;

  • Matrifocal family; where women/mothers are in the leaders role of the family;
  • Single adult/parent families;
  • The Kibbutz; a society of people live communally under socialist principles, where everyone is equal and share equitably, including child care;
  • Blended family, includes children from a previous relationship of a spouse;
  • Foster family; care for one or more of some one else’s child/ren temporarily (state defined);
  • Adoptive family; where through legal means adult/s takes on children and raise as their own;
  • Gay families; where there same sex committed intimate relationships between the adults; and
  • The Oneida community,  group of people formed along religious grounds, including complex marriage rules living communally.

There are definitions of family  provided by sociologists and academics widely available; just Google.  However my starting point is the definition I gleaned from the bible;

  A social group of people, consisting of two parents, with their children, with a long term commitment to this group, sharing common values and goals, and usually residing in the same place.

This definition is not aimed at negating any of the forms mentioned above, but I believe we have to maintain a starting point so as to maintain common language; one of the key pre-requisite for healthy communication.  It is also helpful to have a starting point that provides a standard to then measure society’s relation to it.

Hello

Posted on by
7


My name is Vivienne, today is the beginning of my blog. I am a talker with lots of views about society and the family. I am a bit of a people watcher; nothing creepy about this, I just think we are amazing beings with so much to give. I learn so much from watching and listening to others, and would love to share some of what I have learnt from my world.

The family is constantly under review by society; particularly when things seem to be going wrong. Today the world is experiencing an economic recession with much uncertainty about when and how things are likely to improve. In the United Kingdom this summer we experienced simultaneous rioting and looting through some of our major cities.  Many in the west world express some dissatisfaction with our democratic system, and seem to be loosing faith in those systems set up to keep order. This and many more world and community concerns add up to uncertainty and varying degrees of chaos in the world, and on family life.  Whatever happens in our families eventually manifests in society and to some extent visa versa.  Simply, healthy families produce healthy people and unhealthy families produce unhealthy people; unless people are equipped to overcome the trauma of family life.    I hope that through this blog we can identify what works in families and what does not.

A warning! I won’t blog everyday, only when I have something to say.